Something I am working on in a chapter I am writing:
What is Christian cross-sex friendship? That’s the million-dollar question. To take a stab at a meaning of deep friendship is a provocative risk into uncharted waters. We simply can’t appeal to old standby attributes like “loyalty,” “reciprocity,” “trustworthiness,” “has your back,” “confidant,” or “supportive.” The first reason why we can’t just pull out this list is that they don’t distinguish between a Christian approach to friendship versus let’s say, a secular view. I mean I will honor any atheist who passionately tells me why their deep friend is so meaningful to them and directs me to these foundational characteristics. No question about it. But then what makes a Christian friendship distinctively different?
But there is another important reason why we simply can’t turn to these standard reliable friendship traits. Even though they’ve been around for thousands of years, they’re not famous for making great friendships between men and women. We just can’t throw these attributes in a friendship blender and mix them up and poof! We now have friendship! Go ahead and list your top ten friendship traits. None of them have been the difference makers in giving us rich, enduring cross-sex friendship stories throughout the centuries. Oh sure, we know of friendships peppered here and there in history. But the existence of these attributes did not overcome profound Christian skepticism toward the dyad. Don't get me wrong. We are going to turn to these relational distinctions as we unpack our definition. But we must go deeper than this.
Indeed, we must press into why there is this sense that we are taking an audacious step into a new frontier I alluded to earlier. We must acknowledge at the outset the messy entanglement between patriarchal psychology and the Christian friendship tradition. Any definition that requires a woman and man to stay confined to the shallow end of the dyadic friendship pool reflects more of our immersion into patriarchy than it does a psychology of Friendship-intimacy. I have yet to see, evangelical egalitarians—theologians or pastors—joyfully reflect on the wonders of God’s intimate presence in a friendship dyad. I had to journey outside the enmeshment between egalitarians and patriarchal closeness to discover a dimension of God’s intimate nearness that beckons men and women to boundless possibilities in friendship. No definition of a Christian cross-sex friendship can be considered worthy of the Christian identity without naming intimacy with God as the most outstanding common ground for a friendship pair to know, experience, and enjoy.
