I finished reading John Townsend's book, How to be a Best Friend Forever a couple of weeks ago. So many thoughts were swirling in my head! From 2004 onward I have been able to say that some of my best friends are my female friends. I'm not a fan of how-to self-help books on complex friendships. I realized a while back that I had not read this one even though I have read thousands of pages of friendship books.
My other expected disappointment with the book was my guess on how he was going to treat opposite-sex best friends—as platonic BFs. Because I was
somewhat familiar with Townsend I wasn't surprised to see him crack the door for a man and woman to be best friends. However, I also wasn't surprised when he fell far short of spreading out the feast of shared best friendship wisdom between the sexes.
How could he pass up the opportunity to explore the unplumbed depths of friendship wisdom?
When I became an egalitarian precisely because my friendships with women around ten years ago, I thought it was only a matter of time before I would see evangelical egalitarians inviting us to the glorious promise of non-romantic best friendships. I'm still waiting for that to happen.
What I discovered was that for egalitarian superstars, that is the bloggers-theologians with the huge following and writing the books, evangelical equality stopped far short of integrating the closeness of Christ's presence with the practice of opposite-sex best friendship. What was presented time and time again was this wonderful, beautiful, glorious path toward ecclesial wisdom/practices of drawing near together with no corresponding theological or experiential friendship wisdom when a man and woman was together, alone.
The practice of opposite-sex besties—including two friends being together alone for a beautiful kind of togetherness—got no airtime. Or, paraphrasing 20th-century comedian Rodney Dangerfield, "the practice of friendship don't get no respect." This is the cast in the same mold pattern for evangelical egalitarians for years. David Fitch's recent book on practices Faithful Practices did not include the practice of friendship.
I loved Aaron Niequist's new book, The Eternal Current: How a Practice-Based Faith Can Save Us From Drowning. But, it too, follows the same mold. The practice of friendship did not make Aaron's cut as a powerful—as in Spirit-inspired, Spirit-anointed, Spirit-infused—practice to be included in the book.
This glaring evangelical inattentiveness has become so evidently clear in the past eight months in reaction to ChurchToo reaching the egalitarian megachurch, Willow Creek. With no theology of opposite-sex best friends (for the rest of the post referred as BF) including no theology of a man and woman being together alone, egalitarian leaders have rushed to fill in the void of wisdom with repeated emphases on highlighting the nature of sexual assault, on the need for women's psychological safety, and women's well-being. All those emphases are absolutely necessary.
Where are the egalitarian pastors or theologians joyfully stepping into the void of friendship wisdom the last eight months?
We have no paired friends claiming an Oprah-Gayle King like friendship with their cross-gender friend. There are no egalitarian theologians/pastors enthusiastically sharing pictures on their Facebook or blogs that show the kind of platonic closeness Alan Rickman and Emma Thompson enjoyed.
There are no egalitarian bloggers with large audience platforms relishing in delight in carving out intentional friendship dinner dates with their platonic best friend like Cristina Perez does. Tell me when you have seen a cheek-to-cheek selfie on FB between two opposite-sex egalitarian theologians? Co-pastors? We have no egalitarian blogger (that is, an egalitarian with a huge audience following) lavishing praise and physical affection toward their opposite-sex BF like Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet.
You know that's true if you have been following evangelical egalitarians. Oh sure, there is a lot of talk about different kinds of friendships among egalitarian pastors and leaders. But best friends forever wisdom? No glorious good news of shared friendship wisdom has emerged on this side of Willow Creek meltdown eight months afterward.
I have learned this as a good rule of thumb in the evangelical subculture (including egalitarians). Take the most respected bloggers, theologians, and pastors. Friendship wisdom coming from their books, blogs, and churches will mirror what these leaders/voices have experienced, practiced, or thoroughly enjoyed. The entire sub-culture take its cues from the experiential "wisdom" of its leaders. We might call this the Willow Creek culture of egalitarian practices forty years in the making.
This glaring silence of friendship wisdom in the evangelical sub-culture at this hour means God has no immediate good news for two mature leaders who are good friends to have the God-given potential to become best friends--a wonderful togetherness of being together alone as shared trust, shared power, shared wisdom.
Expressed in another way: there are no delightful stories of shared wisdom of friendship energy between two opposite-sex best friends. Together, alone. No friendship energy toward shared solitude. No shared friendship wisdom of two good egalitarian leaders who became BFFs.
Or expressed another way, we could say perhaps that kind of shared wisdom for evangelical egalitarians has been perceived as high-risk. There is nothing that quite exposes the evangelical anxiety and the feeling of high-risk behaviors than two opposite-sex BFs trusting each other together, alone as besties.
How far can two friends go? Can two good friends nurture their God-given potential to become BFFs? Does God's good news for contemporary men and women include open-ended friendship? No limits? Open-ended shared friendship wisdom for two friends who are good friends to become best friends? What kind of personal friendships show the world God's beautiful and wonderful shared wisdom?
Let's visit of the cherished pop psychology myths Townsend challenges right off the bat at the beginning of the book:
- He pushed back against the idea that there was only one kind of relationship that could be called "best friends forever."
- He challenged the deep-seated idea that BFFs were exclusively a romantic relationship.
- He believed that two friends enjoying a good friendship could intentionally take it to a BFF.
- He believed that within our friendship contacts among good friends were bonafide potential best friends.
Over the last ten years I have come to the believe the surprising good news that men and women both share the power of friendship wisdom. God-given potential to be opposite-sex best friends. Surprising in the sense of conventional wisdom that is found on the bookshelves in New Life bookstores. I have come to believe during this period of time that God's good news for us is that both men and women can share open-ended friendship wisdom to guide us to become opposite-sex best friends forever.
More to come. We'll explore anxiety, high-risk behaviors, and shared wisdom in part 3.
