Dan J. Brennan

Singled Out: The Narrative of Sex and Repression in Pop Culture

I believe this is a valuable book for conversation not just for singles but for married Christians as well.  The issues here so overlap with cross-gender friendship in the Christian community.  This is not just a book for those who are single. 

Christine Colon and Bonnie Field assume that all unmarried Christians should practice celibacy.  "This is not to say that all single Christians should experience an undeniable 'call' from God or that they should make a life-long commitment to a living single, celibate life.  It does not even mean that we believe that single Christians should not date or desire marriage.  It simply means that Christians should abstain from sexual relationships for as long as they are single, whether that is for a short period of time of for their entire lives.  We use the term 'celibacy' rather than 'abstinence' because the focus on abstinence tends to be on waiting for a future marriage.  The type of celibacy we propose is focused on our relationship with God rather than a future marital relationship."

Chapter One: Repression & Neuroses: Negative Secular Views of Celibacy

Authentic Friendship & Marriage: Blending the Two

It stuck me afresh last night while Sheila and I were in conversation: the deep blending of authentic friendship between men and women within marriage and transmarriage.

You know how it is us.  At least it is this way between Sheila and me: there is this rich layer of subjects that both husband and wife return to again and again in their dialogue between each other because those subjects are near and dear to their hearts and souls. 

More than ever before, I am conscious of this gift I have been given--this blending of authentic friendship between the sexes within marriage and transmarriage.  Lilian Calles Barger's observation that, "It may be that sex scandals and broken marriages among Christians is the result of a famine in cross-gender friendships" struck me afresh.  It also got me thinking about David Benner's chapter on soul friendships in marriage in his book, Sacred Companions.

Hooking Up: Sexual Shalom or Power Games?

"Prior to the sexual revolution era," writes Kathleen Bogle in her new book, Hooking Up: Sex, Dating, and Relationships on Campus, "women were expected to have sex, particularly intercourse, only with their husbands.  Since then, sex prior to marriage has become the norm for both men and women.  On the campuses I studied, most students assumed sex would be a part of committed, exclusive relationship; yet students were also aware that sex (including intercourse) was often part of the hookup script.  Students evaluated their peers, particularly their female peers, based on the context in which sex occurs.  In the hookup culture, men and women are permitted to (and do) engage in sexual encounters that are, by definition, outside of the context of a committed relationship.  However, there are prejudices against women who are seen as being too active in the hookup scene."

Men she says, have a clear sense that it was unacceptable for women to "get around."  Furthermore, many of the men she interviewed said that women needed to "watch themselves" in terms of flirting, drinking, and "letting go," in the parties where the hookup culture ferments.  As one guy puts it, drinking contributes to guys ends up fighting, but when girls drink too much, they "take their clothes off." 

Practicing Passion Part 2

A thought-provoking excerpt from Dean:

Cross-Gender Friendships and Dating: Avoid Any Hint?

In my writing on cgfs right now, I am working through a section on double standards between unchaperoned dating and cross-gender friendships.  You will recall Saddleback's first four commandments did not apply to singles:

"Thou shalt not go to lunch alone with the opposite sex.

Thou shalt not have the opposite sex pick you up or drive you places when it is just the two of you.

Thou shalt not kiss any attender of the opposite sex or show affection that could be questioned.

Thou shalt not visit the opposite sex alone at home. "

These do not apply to ummarried staff. 

The Romantic Myth and Singleness

"People do truly wish to find good people to marry, even though they are not always provided the resources with which to do so.  The church is highly to blame for this situation, since many of the assumptions at the local parish level are that people will  be married, because that is the default state of the good Christian.  Many people pine after the ideal marriage and the overromantic assumption of lifelong togetherness, especially in the face of Focus on the Family and some other groups I mentioned in the first chapter.  Life does not often involve ideals, however.  What is needed, in part, is for Christians to be able to tell each other that romantic desire is not the be-all for Christian life and that there are ways of living as a single person that need not end in what is many people's worst nightmare: to be alone, completely alone, for an entire lifetime, with no one to share the household duties."

Water Is Thicker Than Blood

The Centerfold Syndrome

I accidently came across the The Centerfold Syndrome: How Men Can Overcome Objectification and Achieve Intimacy with Women the other day at Trinity library while I was looking for another book on the shelf.  I was delighted to find this book written in 1995 by Gary Brooks.  Although written from a secular perspective, this book would serve as a great springboard for conversation in the Christian community.

More on Marry Him!

  More on the Atlantic article, Marry Him!

For Single Women Who Have Choices

Marry Him! is a recent article in the Atlantic I discovered through Lilian Calles Barger.

For my single women friends who have choices, this article is a voice of realism.