A couple of things about Wired for Intimacy:
1. I loved Struthers' point of distinguishing sexual energy from erotic energy.
He writes:
"Every man experiences it. A woman enters the room, crosses the street or
suddenly appears on the screen in front of him and it happens. He feels the
energy coursing through his body. He is unable to see or think about anything
other than her. The sight of her holds his gaze like a magnetic force and a fire
within him is lit. He feels alive; he wants to know more of her.
"Unfortunately, many men mistake this attraction as inherently erotic. They
have not learned how to be affected by a woman's beauty or her presence without
understanding it as erotic. They have trained themselves to interpret all such
arousal and energy as only relating to intercourse... Sexual attraction is
relational energy; it pushes us. It is rooted in the relational image of God.
"
We could grow in our understanding that all sexual energy and this kind of attraction is not lust. Struthers makes this important observation: men have not learned how to be affected by a woman's beauty or her presence without understanding it as erotic.
If this is the case, then a maturing/relational intimacy is recognizing beauty without falling into lust. This reminds me of something Vinita Hampton Wright observes in her book, The Soul Tells a Story. She writes: "I have learned to admire beauty wherever I find it, and that means that I can enjoy the sight of beautiful people without turning that joy into sexual preoccupation."
It also reminds me of Dale Fincher's comment in Jonalyn Grace Fincher's post on Modesty: "In areas of sex, evangelical circles have done the least amount of talk about the actual nature of lust as apposed to sexual attraction, love, beauty, admiration, etc."
This in my mind, is what I argued for in Sacred Unions, Sacred Passions under the practice of delight. I would also say this falls under the distinction Stanley Grenz made between sexual desire and desire for sex which I also address in the book.
I think if we understand sexual energy then, when we encounter something of what these authors observe, we can practice a delight and integrate our sexuality with our spirituality.
Hugo Schwyzer talks about distguishing between a lustful look at and delight in a woman's beauty here: "The implication in Job, however, is that men can “look” without lusting. The covenant isn’t to avoid looking or even delighting in what is seen; the covenant is to look while stopping short of sexual objectification. If we believe men can’t separate these things, we sell them—and we sell the reality of grace—woefully short."
2. I was disappointed Struthers did not embrace intimate cross-gender friendships as a path for relational intimacy.
Struthers issues a challenge at the end his book on growing and nurturing relational intimacy. He contends that all intimacy is not genital. That's good. He believes we were all made for relationships with women and men. That's good.
But then he goes on to express the typical male problem of fearing relational intimacy/closeness with other men. He states:
"Too many men have too few intimate male friends. Their friendships run only as
deep as the things they do together. By finding male friends to go deeper with,
the need for intimaacy can be met in nonsexual ways with these male friends.
When this happens the intensity of the need for intimacy is not funneled through
sexual intercourse with a woman; it can be shared across many relationships.
Sexual intimacy may be experienced with one woman, but intimacy can be
experienced with others as well. Not all intimacy is genital, so do not feel
restricted in your relationships with your brothers in Christ."
But where is the rich and necessary challenge about finding deep, nongenital intimacy with women in friendship?
Under his earlier point about distinguishing between sexual energy and erotic energy Struthers makes this important point: "Human sexuality allows for the mystery, beauty, diversity and complexity of
human life to be explored and for deepening bonds of intimacy to be formed. We
have to move away from thinking that the sole purpose of our sexuality is
intercourse. "
Exactly!
If the sole purpose of sexuality is not intercourse and we are all wired for intimacy--relational intimacy--why does Struthers end up focusing upon male friendships as the only path for relational intimacy? His avoidance of exploring deep, intimate friendships between the sexes in his challenge seems to undermine essential points he makes about sexuality and intimacy.
This in my opinion, is a huge weakness of Struthers book. One of the important paths for enjoying a woman's beauty is through the virtue of cultivating friendship skills. This means learning to enjoy beauty of an opposite sex friend and the sexual energy that initiated the relationship or that emerges more deeply into the relationship as not erotic but something to be delighted in.
The opposite of pornography is not averting eyes. Nor is it the avoidance of beauty. Nor is it the avodiance of relational intimacy. It is a robust delight in the opposite sex in the presence of community (embodied, physical community or virtual) and intimate friendships. This is the opposite of what is false intimacy and objectification.
Sexual energy can and does emerge in nurturing friendships with the opposite sex. If we really open our hearts to the presence of the other, it is probable that their physical appearance will change in our eyes--our vision of them. As Catholic Mother Mary Francis observes: "The love of friendship even changes the loved one's physical appearance in our eyes... your love will make her beautiful." She made this point about same-gender friendships but this is true in cross-gender friendships. Men will see women as deeply beautiful in their intimate, platonic friendship and women will see men as deeply beautiful.
We will see beauty in them others may not or cannot see. They will become deeply lovely and beautiful in a way that we had not seen them before--even if we were physically attracted to them to begin with. This is a natural and healthy expression of relational intimacy. We will notice and even enjoy their beauty without sexual preoccupation and objectification.
John O'Donohue in his book, Anam Cara writes:
"Kathleen Raine, a Scottish poet, says that unless you see a thing in the light of love, you do not see it at all. Love is the light in which we see light. Love is the light in which we see each thing in its true origin, nature, and destiny."
What is disappointing to me about Struthers book is that he completely avoids what it means to integrate this through the path of cross-gender relational intimacy and friendship.
